livestudioaudience | Viewing Party 2

Why--why can't he just-

[The more he thought about it, the worse Ardyn realized it was. He'd made it personal to be sure Noctis would be able to kill him without hesitation. That he'd be hated and despised, taking the whole world down with him as he was condemned to die.]

...why can't he just...hate me like any sane person would?

[It killed him to know he'd been that selfless once. That he would never be again, that his brother's line became something so much better than Ardyn could ever have been.]

[He wants to give a smartass response, but finds he has none. What he'd really initially like to do is reel back, to incredulously ask why Noctis would, why Ardyn would want that, but those questions are idiotic at best. Church knows why.

So he doesn't have an answer to that. Nothing that wouldn't sound fake and extremely tainted by love. And it feels awful, to have his mouth turn to desert, but maybe...maybe Ardyn just needs to get some of this off his chest. Maybe there aren't any good answers. Maybe there aren't any answers at all.]

[He really hadn't expected an answer. They both knew damn well why it was warranted and even desired at this point. It was objective fact that Ardyn had done unthinkable, horrific things countless times over--now that he'd done something worth being ostracized for, no one would dare to try and that was more frustrating than words could describe. Especially now, when he stood on the other side of eternity in darkness and could see what he'd done without the haze of fury and what he'd seen as justified vengeance.]

[Even then, was he really so far gone that he couldn't comprehend sympathy for the sake of it anymore?]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I-

[His voice cracked and broke off, Ardyn having no idea how that half-frantic sentence was supposed to end anyway.]

It's okay. [Repeated, like a mantra.] You're fine. [He's not. He's clearly not.] If you need to say something, no matter how fucked up it might sound, who'm I gonna tell, the birds?

I thought that...if he remembered everything in such a short time, he might realize how pointless it was to be sympathetic. Maybe I wanted him to. I-...I just...

It doesn't change what he felt when it happened. He remembers now, so he understands what was going on. Dude, I don't want him to hate you. I don't want anyone to hate you.

...I...I know that you don't.

...And I know you do. You think it's right and justified, and it sure as shit is, but that's too damn bad. Sympathy for the devil and all that.

...I can't understand it. It's one thing for all of you to just accept everything, but even now I fail to comprehend how he ever could.

He knows, right? The stupid sordid story of shit that happened to you, and that it was all preordained by your douchebag gods and it was always going to have to lead to where it ended up? Doesn't seem super hard to understand to me.

...I told him the vague outline--I expect he heard the rest from the Draconian himself. But that hardly...changes anything.

[He dropped his head onto Church's shoulder, sounding calmer if completely exhausted.]

Knowing my reasoning doesn't mean I should be sympathized with for anything I did.

Humans are confusing and don't make sense. I don't...know if there's anything I can say to make you feel, uh, better? About this situation?

...I'm sorry. I doubt that's even possible.

I didn't think so. But I'm still here for you. I'll keep you grounded if I can.

I know, Leonard. [Ardyn took a deep breath and let it out slowly, hugging Church a little more tightly.] I'm...doing all I can to keep myself together. It's just more than I can handle right now.

...Jesus, now I know how Yuuri feels. [Helpless in the face of everything. Wanting someone to tell him how to make it better. Not having the answers.]

...Want some hot chocolate? I uh. Made some before I saw...you.

...That doesn't sound like a bad idea. [He pressed a light kiss to Church's neck before pulling back slightly, enough to give him a hesitant smile.]

Just something warm and tasty and...hopefully helps. Just--sit tight for two seconds, 'kay? [He reaches a hand up to brush some of the loose strands of hair back behind Ardyn's ear, for as much good as that does, before pulling himself away back toward the door.] I mean it, stay right here in reality for two whole seconds.

[With that, he ducks back inside, pointedly avoids watching anything while he grabs his mug, and comes back out:] Still delightfully warm. It's even got little marshmallows in it. [Because Leonard Church is seven years old.]

[He did, in fact, manage to stay in current present reality for two whole seconds. Ardyn even managed a slight laugh over the marshmallows, which was definitely an improvement.]

You're absolutely ridiculous.

[He pouts. It's fake.] What's ridiculous about marshmallows? [Besides everything. He presses the mug into Ardyn's hands...and also leans up for a quick kiss.]

Human affection and sympathy towards you might seem weird, but I hope it's still okay that I love you.

[Ardyn took a drink and handed it back to him, taking a breath and letting it out slowly. Everything was still a painful tangled mess in his head, regrets mixed with confusion and tied up with hundreds of thousands of memories.]

[...But he was here and alive right now. That was a start, and from there he'd just have to learn to accept that acceptance itself might well have been his undeserved fate.]

I love you too. I love this disaster of a family more than you could ever know, and I want nothing more than to keep us in one piece--myself included.

You're really good at a lot of things, but keeping yourself together ain't one of 'em. [Punctuated by a deliberately slurpy sip of chocolate.] That's why you've got the rest of us assholes.

And all of you do an astounding job of it. I just wish it wasn't necessary quite so often.

Meh, it's not like I've been full of sunshine and rainbows this whole time. You know how upset I was about the motive.

I know. And that is what I'm here for in turn.

Viewing Party 2 - R3: THE RE-CRY-ENING

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