livestudioaudience | R4 Viewing Party - no crying til the end (if you can help it)

That's half of it. I think you'll catch on once we start.

[Or: dad has anger issues and knows only so many coping mechanisms.]

I'm ready when you are. Don't hold anything back.

[ Don't hold anything back, he says but for a moment she almost does anyway. She's worried that, with how wound up she is, she'll do him some real harm. But then she reminds herself -- human as he still is, this is Ardyn. She thinks it'd take more than a little angry sword swinging from someone like her to put him down.

So, without thinking it over, without letting herself think it over, she moves in and strikes with a fast, hard blow. Then another. And another. And another and another and-- ]

[Perfect.]

[Ardyn didn't parry or strike back; his own sword moved in a mirror of hers, intercepting each strike with the sharp sound of wooden blades striking each other as he blocked attack after attack.]

[If he knew anything, it was how to vent immeasurable anger and frustration.]

[ Her hands hurt. She's swinging so wildly and hitting so hard that the impact of each blow rings up through the blade but she doesn't care. And it occurs to her, right around the point that her hands start to burn that for the first time -- no, her form isn't perfect and her blows are somewhat clumsy but she hasn't had to think about any of it, for once. She's not overthinking how to move her feet. She hasn't had to remind herself to adjust her grip. For the first time since she's started learning, everything she's been taught by both her teachers is flowing as easily and naturally and anything.

And though she hates it, hates herself that this is what it took to make it happen, there's a savage sort of satisfaction in it. In knowing she's not totally powerless. There's something, even as small as this, that she can still do because she's alive. She's furious. That means she can keep moving.

But she doesn't want to. She's so tired. She's tired and angry at everything but most of all herself and wants it all to stop, just for a moment. It's not just the Network anymore, it's not just Airlocked, it's the Randall Corporation and Isadore University and Megurigaoka Academy and it's been two fucking years since any of it has just stopped.

She can't keep going forever. Something has to give eventually. And it does -- because as angry as she is, there's only so much Yuuri can physically do before she can't any more. She's gasping and wheezing for breath and she's shaking with exertion. Her hands are so sore her fingers are practically numb and she lets the sword slip out from them. It clatters to the ground and when she looks up at Ardyn, it's impossible to tell if her face it wet with sweat, tears or both. ]

... w--why... why can I... why can I never do anything for them? Even though I was... I was the club president... I was the one who was supposed to protect them and even before all this I... I could never...!

[Both swords dissipated into white crystals, Ardyn dropping to one knee and gently taking her face in both hands. It was strange how calm he felt, how spiteful rage was being sharpened into a blade meant only for the right people when once it had been an indiscriminate destroyer that felled nations when it was swung.]

[The network would burn for what they'd done; only the network, with no more innocent collateral damage. For the pain they'd felt, for the misery and fear and for every last emotion on Yuuri's face, 'the Accursed' would be a benevolent angel next to what Ardyn Tenmyouji would do.]

[But for right now--he was very, incredibly, and completely steady as he fixed Yuuri with calm yellow eyes and spoke softly.]

I will not allow you to lay this blame upon your own shoulders. No matter how it feels and no matter the pain you're going through, the fault lies well beyond your reach. You know that as well as I.

...I told you already. You demand perfection from yourself even when perfection simply isn't possible. You are part of a rigged game and have been for too long--you can not blame losing upon yourself when all of it was geared to force the outcome from the outset.

Edited (typo'd) 2017-10-29 06:03 (UTC)

[ The part of her that still thinks of herself as Rii-san, Prez, Rii-nee wants to pipe up in protest that of course she's to blame. Because if no one else is responsible then who else is to blame? It has to be her.

But. When she'd woken up crying and wheezing and hating herself that awful week she'd remembered Ruu, what had Junpei told her? It's not your fault. What had Ardyn asked her? Will you face that you're alive while she isn't--no matter the circumstances that will remain the case--and throw off that useless weight of regret in favor of letting failure teach you to never make the same mistake twice?

If she keeps fighting herself and blaming herself for everything now, isn't that the same as calling those words a lie? ]

I... I hate this.

[ She spits it out like poison. She's sick and she's tired, and she's sick and tired of being that way in the first place. ]

If there was never anything I could do then what was the point in even trying in the first place? If it was still going to end up like this with Kurumi and Miki-san-- with Ruu-chan and all the others! If we were always going to lose then why make us play in the first place?!

Because life is painfully, terribly, horrifically cruel, my love. [He gently pushed Yuuri's hair out of her eyes, hands dropping to her shoulders.]

But the point is that all our struggles and pain brought all of us here, to each other. I know that it hurts--I know even that is a tremendous understatement. The point is that you can keep fighting for as long as you're alive, to take that rigged game and work against it as hard as you can rather than give in and allow it to playout.

[ As long as you're still alive, you can keep moving.

Thinking back to it hurts. It makes her feel ill to remember herself gone that far but when she'd handed that bear over to Shino, hadn't she said that herself? No matter how much it hurts and how much she hates it, so long as she's still drawing breath, Yuuri can't let herself stop moving.

She lifts a hand and wraps her fingers around the two charms hanging from the chains around her neck. ]

I won't stop. I... can't stop. After everything that's happened I don't know if I could actually make myself do it. Until this is all over and we're finally safe. I'm just...

[ Kurumi Ebisuzawa died choking on her own blood with a knife in her stomach. Miki Naoki died alone and terrified, locked in a tiny room with no one to help. It was like all the fighting they'd done didn't matter, if that was how it was all going to end anyway. ]

... I'm looking forward to making whoever it was who did this very sorry. Whoever decided to bring both of them here before me. That was a very big mistake.

That's right. No matter how long it takes or how hard we have to fight, even if we should lose in the end, we're going to make them regret ever having dealt with any of us.

[For the girl he'd killed and the boy he'd tormented, for the king whose hand he'd forced every step of the way. The friends they'd lost and the family that had so stubbornly found him along the way, forcibly pulling him from an endless and painful darkness.]

Come here. [He dropped his hands from Yuuri's shoulders, holding his arms out slightly.] No matter what happens or how this ends, I swear I'll be with you.

Edited 2017-11-01 05:32 (UTC)

[ Yuuri doesn't say anything when she steps into his arms and puts her own around him -- she can't, not right away. Her throat's tight and she doesn't trust herself to be able to talk without tears. Because-- she's never forgotten or never failed to realize how lucky she is to have this patchwork little family with her. But here in the garden with her hands still stinging, all she can think of is how grateful she is, how thankful she is every single waking moment that they're together in this painful messy history.

Her eyes sting and burn but she squeezes them shut, ignores the knot in her throat. And when she speaks around it, her voice is shaky but fierce. ]

Good. Because you-- you don't have a choice. You're stuck with us.

[ He won't be able to see it, with her face pressed into his shoulder like it is, but it's there in her voice. She's smiling, as impossible as it seems. ]

For better or for worse, right?

Exactly, darling. Every last one of us are together in this mess, and I'm happy to be stuck with a family like you.

[A hand was brushed lightly through Yuuri's hair, Ardyn's hold on her as secure as if he had every intention to protect her from every threat in every universe.]

I've not been happier in my lifetime.

R4 Viewing Party - no crying til the end (if you can help it)

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hey i hate you just fyi

luv u 2